I was not allowed to watch late night movies. My mother said it would frighten me. My father said it would give me a warped sense of right and wrong. Whatever their motives, my parents knew that filling my young mind with unhealthy images was not good. (This is a subject for another blog).

I was afraid of the dark because I knew that Dracula, Frankenstein or the Werewolf could be lurking outside in our yard, hiding in the shrubs, looking in our windows, or feasting on the neighbor’s cat. Thank goodness it was my brother who had to take out the garbage…. He was expendable.

Our parents warned us about the boogie man and instructed us not to talk to strangers; somehow I figured that these two were related, so I knew that each stranger I passed on the street had the potential to also be the boogie man. My grandmother’s weapon of choice was large cans Aqua Net by each door and on her nightstand. It doubled as ant and roach spray.


Today, I still fear an evil presence under my bed, in the closet and down in basement. The threat is very real. They come in different forms, such as fire-breathing dragons, giant spiders, and evil spirits. (Dust bunnies are benign). Each time there is a bump in the night, I hide under the covers asking myself, “Where did I leave that can of hair spray?”

Zombies are pretty easy to identify but there are creatures among us such as wolves in sheep’s clothing that make it difficult. Who on earth ever thought that it was a good idea to create a clown? Ill-fitting clothes, wild hair, and ugly shoes. Today, they are out of control with sinister smiles and bad breath.

Fictional Spirits you say? Perhaps, but there is also plenty of evil lurking in our neighborhoods. Do you really know the man next door riding his Sears mower? He always smiles and shouts “Hey neighbor!”

What about the car riding beside you during your morning commute? Is she on drugs? Does she have a gun? Is she a scorned woman with a hangover just waiting for someone to cut her off? There is a heroin epidemic in this country and mom, grandma and the pastor are not excluded from it.

I drive with caution, patience and courtesy. Although, for the ill-bred, speeding, swerving Gremlin, I do fancy the idea of him getting road rash, but I always pray he/she does not hurt anyone else.

I choose to be pro-active about my personal safety rather than pick up the pieces later. I do not advocate for firearms or a bazooka, that is someone else’s blog. Please beware that no amount of hair spray will keep you safe 24/7.

I pay attention to the cars driving through my neighborhood, as they could be scoping out my house. The bad guys and bad girls, (let us not discriminate), are looking for unattended Amazon packages; my fluffy, white dog alone in the yard or they could take the vegetables from my garden. They could show up while I am at work, or they could show up while I am sleeping. I don’t want them to show up at all.

As a big time Amazon and EBay shopper, I have my packages delivered to the office so I have no worries that some neighborhood troll will run off will my new vacuum filters.

How do I stop monsters from looking for cookies in my house? I use motion lights; the element of surprise causes anxiety attacks in ogres. Once confused they stagger back to the rock they crawled out from. Demons also pause when confronted by a pair of large men’s work boots and a large dog bowl on the front porch.

Broom sticks cut to size and placed in windows prevent scallywags from entering. However, for those hardheaded scoundrels who chose to break the window; barbed wire strategically installed on the window sill should give them pause to rethink their position.

If I should have to HUNKER DOWN, my bathroom is outfitted with one of these door stops. An adjustable pole from Home Depot for $20. I have a three-day supply of food & water, phone charger, bedding books and a big can of Aqua Net Hair Spray.

Stay tuned for more #confessionsofapreppergal